oldmattjostensbutt:

mattboydsbutt:

“DO you know how impossible it is. To love someone other than you? To try and love someone with everything I have and can’t because you will always have the biggest piece of me? Even after these past 2 years? That I can’t be with anyone else? That I can’t touch anyone else without having the memory of you there? It’s been two fucking years and I can’t love anyone else because I’m always going to be in love with you. I’m always going to want to call you when things get too bad. I’m always going to want to curl up next to you after I have a shitty day. I’m always going to want to see your face when I wake up from a fucking nightmare. But I can’t because I told you I loved you two years ago and you left. Without a fucking word andrew you left without a word. You went to practice and never came back. I had to find out from Kevin that you weren’t coming back to the apartment until I was gone. I left that weekend heartbroken because you couldn’t even look at me. Now you’re transferring to my team and I can’t do that Andrew I can’t act like I’m okay when you’re two feet away from me acting as if you’re fine!”

Andrew stared back at him. Face completely blank and it killed Neil that he couldn’t decipher the look this time. He stood up ignoring the gloves that fell from his lap. “That’s your problem. I told you when we started. That it was nothing. You were nothing it’s not my problem that you turned it into something it wasn’t” Neil felt himself get angrier. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to tell me that we were nothing! Not after everything Andrew. You don’t get to look me in the face right now and tell me we were nothing. That you didn’t care!” Andrews blank face flickered for a moment and before Neil realized what was happening andrew had him against the wall. “I didn’t care then. And I don’t care now.” He had the same bored tone that he always did but Neil could hear the aggravation in is tone. “Then why are you here? Why my team” Neil spit back and Andrew smiled, it made Neil flinch because it wasn’t the smile he’d get everytime he’d do something stupid and made andrew laugh, it wasn’t the smile that made Andrews eyes go soft, it wasn’t the smile reserved for Neil when they were laying in bed at night talking about what they would do after graduation, it was the smile that Andrew would give to someone before stabbing them with one of his knives and he was directing it towards Neil. “Because your team is the only team left who’s willing to take me. Apparently I’m a danger to others” he let go of Neils shirt and shoved him against the wall as he took a couple steps away from Neil. “This has nothing to do with you. So don’t for a second think that it means anything. That you mean anything to me”

HAHAHAHAHA WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF???