I haven’t read it since seventh grade, but my favorite part of Twilight that I remember is the “radioactive spider” line bc it implies that
when presented with a dude who looks somehow eerily identical to his adopted siblings while sharing none of the same genetic features, a dude whose adopted siblings are apparently all dating each other, a dude whose family never socializes with other students, is never seen around town, NEVER EATS, a dude whose entire family is super dedicated to attendance and punctuality but just straight up LEAVES TOWN on sunny days,
Bella thought “could he be….Spiderman?”
My second favorite part is that she Googled it.
The biggest problem I had with twilight is why anyone would stay in high school longer than the allotted 4 years? I hate that? It literally made me so mad esp if you have been in the american school system like i bet theyre still as dumb as an other american also they have been going to school for so long and never once thought about sex ed? Also how are they going to school without ssns? Which leads me to my next point is that Carlile is Stealing dead peoples ssns for his demented family Thats right everyone Vampires Are committing tax fraud
First of all, I’m actually almost certain that Carlisle pays taxes. That’s just such a Carlisle thing to do. He probably does them all himself late at night sitting in his study wearing a pair of glasses he doesn’t need. “Our dad is weird,” Emmett says. Rosalie rolls her eyes, “he’s not our dad.”
THAT SAID, yes, it’s totally ridiculous that Twilight takes place in high school. I think the concept itself would have been 100% more entertaining if Bella had been a a junior transfer student from a southwest community college to University of Washington in Seattle, commuting every day from Forks, where she finds out the weird dude from her college chem lab lives too (I’ve commuted 40+ minutes to school, it’s doable).
Not only is this more believable, but it would also be a lot more entertaining and potentially funny for Bella to just slowly realize she has at least one class a week with each of these weird-ass pale kids from her hometown.
Edward’s in chem with her. She accidentally sits down next to Rosalie in calc before she recognizes the resemblance. Emmet’s an overwhelmingly enthusiastic Fitness Management major who starts sitting next to her in Western Civ after he notices her talking to Edward. “Are you pre-med? You seem like you might be pre-med. My dad’s a doctor!”
Alice tries desperately to help her in a wheel-tossing class Bella had to take as an art elective after she put off choosing an art elective until it was the only one left. She asks herself daily why she didn’t take Art History. Jasper is there too. He doesn’t look like he’d be into pottery, but it seems like he’s into anything Alice is into (I still argue it’s literally impossible that he functions in public at all, but we’ll roll with it anyway).
Make Esme a professor at the school, too. Adorable. She’s that Mom Professor everyone loves and and respects (and also sort of fears). She always excuses absences as long as you send an email.
Instead of collecting graduation caps and gowns, they collect degrees.
Imagine Emmet bringing up the time he was almost a doctor, but having to actually be around the patients ended it. Carlisle says “I warned you the entire time you were in undergrad.”
After a few weeks of plot devices similar to the actual book (near-death parking lot experiences, etc.), Bella runs into Esme at the grocery store in Forks (I actually love that they buy groceries) and realizes my god, these people live here?
It would also make more sense that Bella were moving back in with her dad despite hating the Pacific Northwest so intensely. None of that sort of quirky “minor league baseball” stuff. She absolutely Would Not live in a dorm with some random roommate, so going to school where she could live with her dad was about all that made sense. The in-state tuition to a great university was just an added bonus.
It would also make the romance more enjoyable. NOW, a lot of people complain that a 100+ year old would have no reason to be interested in a high schooler in the original series, but I believe it’s very implied that all of the Vampires aren’t just physically frozen at their age, but they’re mentally and emotionally stuck forever as well.
Which is, you know, horrible. That’s why some of them are so damn angsty and emotionally volatile. That’s why Bella insists that Edward turn her sooner than later. Bruh, if you wait until she’s 25, she’s going to out-grow your maturity-level.
STILL, I think a romance between 21-23 year olds would have been better, by a little bit.
It would also make a lot more sense for them to be in college because of the way they function. They wouldn’t all be eating (or not eating) together in the only cafeteria as the entire student-body tried to pretend to not stare.
Less people would notice their eerie resemblance, their coordinated absences, and their overall weirdness, which would make more apparent Bella’s alleged super-strong powers of observation when she started putting things together.
Instead of there randomly being a sudden spike in criminals in that little town, Edward could dramatically rescue Bella’s naive ass from a party her human friends dragged her to.
I could go on, but this is eventually going to become and entire College Au rewrite of Twilight in excruciating detail. So I’ll stop.
essential supplies include: plenty of food and water, a change of socks, a hat, rope, bandaids, a knife, gloves, an acorn in your pocket, and an offering
there are always odd noises on the farm. half of them come from the animals
try to forget what the lake looks like between the hours of three and four AM
never ever find yourself alone in the milking shed in the south end of the farm. time passes differently there
if you happen to hurt yourself in your exploration, make sure you do not bleed onto the dirt
bring plenty of water, you do not want to drink from there
the cows will watch you, this is normal
close every gate you open, even if the fields are empty. don’t ever leave one open behind you, just trust me
beware unstable rocks, the cracks tend to be filled with insect nests
bring a weapon with you, but no guns
if you see someone else while exploring, never tell them your name. you can never be sure if they are real or not, and further out you go, the less real they will seem. the patupaiarehe have evolved in cruel and unusual ways
do not go inside the empty share-milkers cottages, whatever you do, do not go inside. something else lives there now
a tree with the undersides of its leaves showing mean that a storm is coming. a tree with no leaves means the storm has already come
sometimes the hills look like they’re moving. be aware of this, because some things don’t like to be disturbed
do not sleep under the full moon, in fact, just don’t sleep on the farm
finding skulls is normal, only become worried when you start finding ribs
if you find yourself lost in a forest, continue walking in a straight line until you are free again. the trees may make it look as though you are going in circles, but i promise you’re not. ignore the soft music you can hear
your phone won’t work out here
the ghosts from the land wars won’t harm you, but be sure to show them respect
don’t take anything from the farm with you when you leave. just be grateful you have made it out alive
This is labeled as New Zealand Gothic so there are a few things specific to NZ here, but I live in Michigan and let me tell you. This isn’t a joke, not is it region specific. There is a farm my father has visited since childhood that never felt right. He once saw a black mass that they don’t like to talk about. A few years ago a swarm of flies attacked his tent one morning while he was camping with a friend. That same day, he became suddenly and violently ill. He brought whatever attached itself to him back home and it didn’t leave until we did a full cleansing ritual.
Do not fuck around on farm land. Especially if you don’t know what was on that land before it.
I actually need to add to this because there’s some stuff the locals out in Missouri told me.
around dawn/dusk/twilight if you feel something behind you, don’t turn around. Even if you are in an open field
you hear a woman crying in the woods, hope that its probably a cougar. dont go looking for it
avoid the woods around these farmlands if you can
dont cross streams
try not to be there around the evening time. whatever you’re feeling will get worse and might follow
if you’re religious, don’t bring any artifacts of such if you can. crosses etc. it can upset whatever is there.
I dont care how pretty the rock is, don’t pick it up
avoid going in most buildings. not just the ones listed above. especially barns. look in, look around, don’t physically walk in there. not only is it structurally unsafe, you don’t know whats hiding in there. corporeal or not.
lastly, before you leave. check your belongings and pockets and anywhere anything you can stash stuff in. chances are you will be missing something, that’s normal. if you had something there you didn’t before. sometimes they just happen to be there even with no recollection. get rid of it on that land, not off of it!
A Simplified Guide To Exploring Abandoned Farms, by MindfulWrath
Shadow In The Light 